The Dirt

Another Travel Related Rant

It's the holidays, when we should all be thinking of family and friends, and treating each other decently. What better time for me to share my next in a series of travel tips for those of you who have to fly to get home for the holidays.

I have observed that there is something about the baggage carousel that brings out the obsessive compulsive in many of my fellow travelers. Why is it that when that thing starts spinning, all rules of common decency, not to mention the Marquis of Queensbury rules, go right out the window?

I have been pushed out of the way by little old ladies desperate to get what they think is their bag. I'm not kidding! Then, this otherwise docile woman asks me to help her lift the thing off of the carousel. I do so—I'm old school—but I desperately want to remind her that I cannot help her because she has just broken both my knees when she pushed me out of her way. Oftentimes after I hand crazy people their bags, they realize it's not theirs, and ask me to put it back on the carousel. I do so—I'm still old school. Actually, I want to beat granny over the head with a tire, but it's the holidays, so I refrain.

This phenomenon is not limited to the old.  I've had the same experience with small Asian men, young kids, pretty girls...you name it.

I highly recommend, for your own personal safety, to stick with me. I'll be in the back with the sane people waiting for the feeding frenzy to subside. It's either that, or I'll be braking out a stun gun or cattle prod to shoo the crazies away from my knees. 

Happy Holidays!

Standing Section

I’m not kidding, this is real. Airlines are considering a standing section. I need to rant . . .

As many of you know I travel a lot. I have flown over 100,000 miles on multiple airlines for the last ten years or so. From this long experience I have made many observations that I have condensed into the following guidelines for my fellow travelers.

• If your luggage consists of a backpack, PLEASE take it off your back and carry it in front of you when you board the aircraft. I already have enough bumps and scars on my head.
• If your luggage consists of 16-gallon trash bags, you need to buy a suitcase!
• If you insist on travelling with your children, DO NOT assume that others find your offspring cute, adorable, etc. Consider teaching them the meaning of the word NO before travelling.
• If you are travelling with an infant who cries/screams continually, put your trash bags to good use and give one to the child to sleep in (or) try putting bourbon in the baby’s formula (or) both.
• Boeing and Airbus engineers are undoubtedly all elves, so if you are taller than 4 feet expect to be uncomfortable, cramped, and don’t even think about having enough room to open your laptop to work.
• If you snore and sit next to me, expect to have something spilled on you while you are asleep.
• If you are afraid to fly, worry about jet lag, or can’t sleep on airplanes, consider Xanax.
• If a backpack-wearing, snoring mother with a screaming baby, undisciplined toddlers, and trash bags for luggage boards your plane—wash down all the Xanax you have with bourbon, lock the kids in the overheads, and hit mom over the head with the laptop you can’t open.

Of course, I’m kidding. Truly.